【日常】April is the cruellest month--

終於結束了。

提出書面通知，安排休假；意外的除了聚餐與歡送會，還有直到最後都沒放過我的工作量。我真的直到最後都沒有餘裕稍微貪圖安逸，一次又一次強制驗證我做出了最正確的決定。

也好。

不過一直無法切換進修復模式就是另一回事了。白天無法放鬆，手裡拿著書，腦袋一直轉；晚上無法放鬆，睡前腦袋加速轉，事情怎麼都做不完；明明累得可以睡 9 小時眼睛還睜不開，同時又會失眠。我都調整三次策略了。

And then I was dealing with what I had once managed to cope with successfully. Once again it was late April. Like eight years ago. 

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
-- T. S. Eliot, The Waste Land

It really was a lot I had put on myself. This is a natural process. It feels endless, but it's part of getting better. 

I am never an optimist but believe there'll naturally be jobs for people to do in the era of AI. So I can believe though I am not doing what I dreamed to, I am in preparation of it. 

"Healing happens when you decide to take yourself's side," Bean said in one of the breathing lessons last year. This time I fail to make it happen smoothly maybe because they are complicated feelings acculated gradually in years that I am struggling with. I have to be confronted with what they are, and then the phases of meditating and making peace can begin. 

They are feelings need serious attention--I have to know who they are and how they'd like to be treated. They are not vegetables sided with my lunch I can devour absent-mindedly when looking at my phone. The second question I really haven't come up with any solution. Tha't fine. I should acknowledge them before accepting them as mine.